Wednesday, January 16, 2013

Thank You To A Boy I Knew

It's not uncommon for my dreams to be very vivid, but some nights ago smell crept into my dream.

I was at a hospital with a crowd of people I didn't know. I was having a particularly rough time and some lady set me up in stirrups, facing a see-through curtain. 

Past a long curtain, the same strange crowd of people lingered in a waiting room without chairs, watching me. Standing and stirring and watching my legs in stirrups. 

Some nurse lady was telling me to push.

We all know what's happening now, but it's not like you think. If I didn't push, it could kill me. The thing in me wasn't right. But I couldn't do it with so many people watching, so many strange people curiously staring at my crotch.

I jumped out of the chair and he was there. Someone I knew some time ago, someone that was important to me. We never dated. We were never together, but I trusted him more than any man I've known. He moved close to me and said, "You can do it."

His scent, rough and slightly sweet... I needed him and, though we hadn't spoken in what seemed like years, I was happy he was there.

Then, I ran down the hall and hid from everyone, including him. In the bathroom of a staff room, I gave birth to a perfectly healthy little one. The same guy found me just as I was lifting the baby and he saw me with an expression I haven't seen (but hope to) in real life.

A mixture of awe and overwhelming happiness.

And he said, he knew I could do it.

So what's this all mean? Honestly, I have no clue. Perhaps, I should not leave people behind for something that was neither my fault or his. Perhaps, it's telling me to move on. Perhaps, it's just telling me that whatever hardship, whatever impossibility, whatever fear I may have, that it will all turn out okay. No matter how many people are watching. I just have to do it.

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