Monday, June 16, 2014

Prostitution on Paper or Marketable Skills Employers Want

Earlier in the week, the Community Manager of Webucator approached me and asked if I could write a blog about the most marketable skills employers are looking for in new employees. 

I told him yes. 

Now, I'm sitting at the computer with the 2010 edition of "10 Things Employers Want You To Learn in College" and realizing how ridiculous this is.

Honestly, if I knew what certain skills will get you an interview or secure a job, I would share them. But, truly I don't. Employers are all different. Employers are all looking for something else especially depending on position.

Let me tell you what I do know about being "marketable" because I learned it the hard way. It doesn't matter what skills you have or don't have. It doesn't matter: the school you went to, the degree you earned. It's not a skill to list on an application. 

What matters is Prostitution

You must do this to get anywhere. You must learn to sell yourself, and it starts before the interview. 

Someone that knows how to prostitute themselves on paper will get the job. Shit, people with less experience, less education, less basic knowledge will surpass you. All because they know how to present their goods to the employer. 

Qualities of the Best Prostitutes (On Paper):

  • They know what he wants and they will be sure to tell him how they can give it to him good. (Address the qualifications listed on the advertisement or their website.)
  • They'll make him feel like he's the best choice out there, that they want him. (Pretend they are your first choice, your dream job. Not your launching pad.)
  • But that they don't need him because they could have anyone they wanted as well. (Do not seem desperate.)
  • They embellish. (Don't lie, but finesse. That unpaid internship is listed under work experience.) 
  • They know a little bit of everything. Sure, they master something, but the smartest and best paid know how to charm every kind of customer. (Honestly, any skill can be learned on the internet. SEO-search engine optimization-is a big skill to have now and can be learned about in one afternoon surfing online.)
These prostitutes on paper also, usually, have someone or something backing them. 
  • A reputation. (A strong online platform or established references in the industry)
  • A Pimp. (A sorority sister or fraternity brother in the industry)
  • A Madam. (An Alumn else on the inside: tips on maximizing alumn network)
So, yes, the job market is a daunting place (especially for an introvert like me). But if I can be a prostitute on paper, then so can you!

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